It was 2007. I was
behind the counter at the movie theater, watching the minutes tick by until
people would come in for the next showing and there’d be something to do. The counters were wiped down, drinks and
candy restocked, new batches of popcorn whirring in the machines, the lobby vacuumed
– everything was taken care of. There
was nothing to do and nothing to talk about.
That is, until Amy came back from cleaning up trash in the
parking lot. She’d found two little
comic books, three inches high and five inches wide, twenty pages each. One bore a yellow cover and the title The Little Bride, the other, a purple
cover reading Kidnapped!. She’d glanced at them briefly outside and
decided they had to be brought in. And
boy, was she right. We spent so much
time staring at them that our boss had to give us a lecture on focusing on our
jobs.
Here are some of the many lessons I learned just from those
two comics:
If the police catch you beating your husband with household
items, you won’t be charged or even have an official warning so long as you
promise to go back to church. However,
the same police officer will pull you over for driving over the double yellow
line on the road just once. Children
walking home alone will be immediately kidnapped, but children walking to a
stranger’s house without their parents in the morning to talk about religion
will be just fine.
The prophet Muhammad
was a pedophile, and living in a different time period is no excuse. There are “magic words” that will make you a
Muslim forever if you say them even once.
When you pray, God speaks directly to you through a ray of light and
provides advice that you should have had the common sense to figure out
already. Metaphors do not exist. And most importantly, shouting “GOD’S GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS!” at
your kidnapper will drive him into a panic.
I wouldn’t learn until a few days later, when we had free
time in English class and I did some Googling, that I’d been introduced to
Chick tracts: little comics containing
evangelical messages put out by fundamentalist writer/artist Jack T.
Chick. They are anti-evolution,
anti-rock and roll, anti-ecumenical movement, anti-homosexuality, anti-Santa,
anti-everything.
Chick, who is reclusive and mostly a figure of mystery,
published his first tract,
Why No
Revival?, in 1961.
Since that time,
Chick Publications – classified as
an active hate group
by the Southern Poverty Law Center – has produced over 230 comic tracts in
addition to other books and films, and printed over 800 million tracts.
Jack Chick is the most published comic author
in the world.
He’s also completely batshit.
Chick tracts have developed a cult following among non-fundamentalists
for their ludicrous plotlines, terrible art, stilted dialogue, contradictions, and
their poorly researched, often offensive themes. The tracts are meant to be passed on
indefinitely, with a person reading one, accepting Christ as their savior, and
handing it off to another. However, many
people collect them for their entertainment value, and it’s easy to see why.
There are a number of hilarious websites dedicated to
dissecting Chick tracts panel by panel, such as
Enter the
Jabberwock,
Holeee Cow, and
Boolean Union.
I’ve enjoyed both their dissections and the
ridiculous tracts themselves for years, and want to throw my hat in the ring of
mockery, beginning with one of the oldest, most well-known tracts,
Somebody Goofed.
As a disclaimer, I don’t care what anyone’s religious
beliefs (or lack thereof) are, so long as they’re not trying to force those
beliefs (or lack thereof) on others, trying to make their views on theology
into law, or using their views as an excuse for discrimination and hatred. The point of these dissections will not be to
mock or attempt to disprove Christianity.
The point of these dissections is to laugh at the absurdity and point
out the flawed logic.
So sit back, grab the popcorn, and enter the nightmare world
of Jack T. Chick.